thePASSION.
Friday, September 30, 2011
i know, i learn.
another experience in my pocket.
the turns, the transitions, the pitfalls.
never again will i give of myself so easily and so entirely.
words are mere words, even if sincere at one point, can come back to haunt you.
i was a fool, i thought i'd seen it all.
but never did i see this coming.
i was a fool, i let myself believe.
i let myself believe in the beauty of his soul.
his purity, morality and his strength in standing his ground.
surely, i thought, you're different from the others.
i ask myself: was it change, or did i believe a lie.
and i refuse the latter; i've seen him stripped down and vulnerable.
his hopes, his fears, his dreams, they tell me his heart is in the right place.
so i hold on to this hope, that the man i knew would eventually emerge from underneath all the muck and grime reality has buried him in.
this hope has kept me going, my fuel when i grow weary, my encouragement when i lose faith.
but this hope drives me crazy, knowing he loves the way he is now.
no intention to stand against the influences of this world, of peers, of reality.
then i am holding on to the ghost of him, the shadows of our past.
i know, i need to leave this place.
in great agony, i walk away from the dreams i had with him.
dreams of a beautiful family, of happiness, of growing old together.
never again will i let myself be swayed during the chase.
promises come from words, and are really, mere words.
i guard my heart fiercely.
believe, but never believe entirely.
of fluorescence.
a love at once illicit and morally elevating, passionate and disciplined, humiliating and exalting, human and transcendent.
- Francis X. Newman
oh how am i gonna get over you
i'll be alright, just not tonight
but someday.
perfection at 6:34 PM
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Wednesday, September 28, 2011
there's just something amiss.
cant quite put a finger on it.
but if we close our eyes and sense.
something doesnt feel right.
another major cramp episode has disrupted my agenda today.
times like these i say, the boys have it better off.
i should ask no question.
for i will not hear what i need to hear.
the responses are logical, but the motivation and the right reasons for this are not there.
i play the role of a mere extra.
no status of importance, nowhere near a core element.
but a reserve on the sideline bench.
like an ornament.
with it, the house is beautified.
without, the house remains unfazed, functional.
there's no real need for ornaments, really.
even if i dont burn my bridges, i cordon them off in faithfulness.
you seem to be keeping your doors open instead.
maybe in a friendship, this situation would more likely pan out.
but anything more than that, it just doesnt seem right that your other half is dispensable.
am i the one who's settling?
no more bad boys with huge egos and a public image of high maintenance.
just one good, clean and honest man who has nothing to prove to the world and is sure of what love entails.
why, why baby
oh i love you, i still love you
although there's pain in my chest
i still wish you the best.
perfection at 5:48 PM
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Friday, September 23, 2011
a betrayal.
where do i find the heart to trust again.
underneath this rage, is plain defeat.
go home missin' sleep like 'em, creep like 'em
front with your friends, act hard when you with them like him
keep it hid in the dark
what you dont know wont break your heart.
perfection at 12:14 AM
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Thursday, September 22, 2011
genuineness in a pill.
that would sell.
if the workload now resembled anything like it was 15 years ago, i'd be doing a double major in psychology and english literature.
no doubt about it.
in fact, maybe i should have gone with my first decision to major in english literature.
my mind seems too fantastical to be boxed in by the reality of an empirical social science.
one seeks a rail.
made of steel, fastened tough to the ground.
another seeks a bullet train.
swift, sleek and modern, built to impress and garner adoration.
a bullet train cannot run without its rails; neither do the rails serve any purpose without being used.
but truly, that bullet train is simply a rail, manifested differently.
diy home improvement.
quite exciting actually.
another bestfriend project.
remember, come what may.
blackbird singing in the dead of night
take these broken wings and learn to fly
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to arise.
perfection at 4:29 PM
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Sunday, September 11, 2011
sometimes it gets so hard to believe.
its such a blessing to have people like my coach, even though he may only be at the sidelines of my life.
thankful for his wise counsel and input, as always.
it is different, when you are in the presence of someone who genuinely cares.
someone who would make the effort to connect and take the time to sow into your life.
and on top of all of that, give you a pay raise to commend your work.
a foolish wit, or a witty fool.
so what if it hurts me, so what if i break down
so what if this world just throws me off the edge
my feet run out of ground
i gotta find my place, i wanna hear my sound
dont care about all the pain in front of me
cause i'm just trying to be
happy.
perfection at 4:26 PM
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Friday, September 09, 2011
a human being has only so many resources.
how he expends them tells of his priorities.
a meaningful venture to one may be but a silly undertaking to another.
silly, indeed.
at this point, there is no choice but to simultaneously read books of different genres.
or not read that which truly entices at all.
maybe it was a blessing i forgot to go for the borders sale.
how can it be fair.
losing restraint and endorsing permissibles.
so easily close, so easily overstepped.
maybe its just the initiation.
those two meta-rectangles.
i used to look and smile, oh the abundance of it.
then it became a deep ache and longing for a lost innocence.
now, in the middle of the two.
more green tea for me today.
silly.
look at this stuff, isnt it neat
wouldnt you think my collection's complete
wouldnt you think i'm the girl
the girl who has everything.
perfection at 1:26 AM
